Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Heat on the Metra


"His old lady set fire to his house while he was in it.  She is on trial for arson."  

No, not a quote from the evening news, not even something overheard on Jerry Springer.  This was one conductor talking to another about a co-worker on the Metra Electric Line this morning.  

These two gentlemen, both in their late 50's or early 60's, both white, one skinny and one portly, were sitting in the facing seats that they reserved by putting their crap in it so nobody else could sit down (I HATE that...they are there to take tickets and keep the god damned train on the tracks, not stretch out and do the crossword) gossiping like two old women at the beauty parlor.  

"DID YOU HEAR about ____?" asked Skinny, to which Portly replied "NO...WHAT?"....I swear one of them said "GUUURRRLLLLL" but I may have imagined it....Gay Pride Weekend is upon us, so you hear a lot of "GUUUURRRLLLLL" these days....anyway....

Apparently Skinnys' friend ____, also an employee on the Metra Trains "blew hot".  Now I know what you are thinking, because I have a dirty mind too, but no, he wasn't doing that.  He may do that, but that is not the point of this particular story. 

___ was suspended from work for 30 days for "blowing hot" during a random alcohol screening.  So the guys were taking up a collection to "buy him a bottle" as a gag gift.  

Neither was concerned that their coworker was working on Public Transportation Systems and would have performed his job that day, and perhaps for the next 30 days while intoxicated, they seemed more concerned that he was caught, and making him feel better with gifts of liquor.  

Ok, it is 3:02, time for me to catch the train into the city....Maybe I'll pay a little extra on my ticket and they can add to the bottle fund.




Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Word of God


So, today was a pretty interesting day on CTA.   

First, I saw Tony Sarabia from Chicago Public Radio at the Randolph and Wabash stop.  I thought "not exactly a celebrity, but I'll discreetly snap a photo with the last ounce of  battery power in my cell phone in case he ever moves up in the world."  



If I had only known then what I know now....

So Tony Sarabia and I get on the train, and a few stops later, the doors open.  I looked up, and saw a shimmering daydream of a woman.  I am pretty sure she was African American, but it was difficult to say for sure because every exposed inch of skin (and there was a lot of it) was covered in glitter.  In her hair she wore 2 DumDum suckers, one Root Beer flavor and the other was, I believe Cherry.  I somehow knew as soon as she appeared that she would soon occupy the seat next to me, and I was right. 

Now are you starting to see why I am so pissed off that I wasted my battery on a picture of a radio personality?  But I digress.

So Sparkle Jefferson (That's what I named her) sat down next to me and began to rummage through her hot pink Baby Phat bag with gold handles and about 30 safety pins randomly dangling from it.  She mumbled as she went through the many objects found within it until she found the one she was searching for...the Holy Bible.

She opened up the dog eared volume to the book of Proverbs.  Now the Book of Proverbs is so called, because it consists of wise and weighty sentences; regulating the morals of men; directing them to wisdom and virtue.  And these sentences are also called Parables, because great truths are often hidden within them.

Did I mention that on my cell phone I can also record sounds and video?  Well, if I hadn't wasted that battery, along with my description, you would be seeing a video of what happened next.... 

Sparkle Jefferson sat quietly reading from Proverbs, and as the train moved on, passing in and out of the shadows of buildings, I stared at this strobe light of a woman mouthing the word of God quietly to herself.  

As the train approached the Conservatory/Central Park Drive stop, the car became less crowded and the quiet mouthing of Proverbs became a whisper. By the time we reached Kedzie, my side of the car was nearly empty but for Me, Tony Sarabia, and Sparkle Jefferson.

Somewhere between the Central and Austin Stop, Sparkle had "caught the spirit" and was making a joyous noise unto the lord at the top of her lungs singing "Doing the Butt" while reading the King James Bible.  

Unfortunately, I had to get off of the train at the Austin stop, but as the doors closed behind me I heard Sparkle Jefferson scream "I want your butt, your butt, your big ole butt", and then the brightest spot in my day was gone, and all I had to remember her by was a picture of a radio host, and one of the most annoying songs ever made stuck in my head like a skipping record.