As the train rumbled into the Central Avenue stop, I looked out the window to my right and saw a group of nearly twenty people standing on the sidewalk between the Day Care center and the Liquor store.
There appeared to be some animosity between them – if you have ever seen Meerkat Manor, you can spot the signs of trouble between rival groups very easily. They were thumping their feet on the ground, jumping up and down to look more threatening, and I think one or two were scent marking.
I thought it may have been mothers picking up their children who were trying to chase off the drunks, but it turned out to be drunken mothers fighting with each other.
Come to think of it, the scent marking was probably just the drunks peeing on the wall of the liquor store.
The two leaders of the rival groups were in front and their peeps were behind them gesturing wildly and obviously shouting at each other. I could not hear what they were saying because I was inside the train, listening to Japanese Avant Garde Pipe Music on my IPOD. Whatever one of them said, the other clearly did not like it and she proceeded to snatch the other’s weave out.
Yes, she literally grabbed hold of her rivals’ hair and pulled hard enough to dislodge the synthetic fibers that had been glued to the woman’s scalp. We have all heard the phrase “gonna snatch your weave out” many times, but I never thought I would live to see it actually happen. After the de-weaving, it turned into an all-out brawl. Punching, kicking, biting, you name it. It was a fight to the death on a street corner, and I’ll be damned if I was going to miss any of it.
I leaped from the train just as the doors were closing, and took up my ringside spot on the train platform, which was perfectly positioned above the action.
As exciting as it might sound to witness a phenomenon such as this, it left me wanting more. Not more violence mind you, just more.
What ever happened to the good old days of chick fighting?
Where have the classy ass-kicking women gone? Women like Pam Greer as Coffy or Pam Greer as Foxy Brown or Pam Greer in Jackie Brown?
Coffee, Foxy, or even Jackie would never have lowered themselves to a street fight in front of a day care liquor store. They certainly would never have done it with a bunch of drunk mothers for back up, and I can guarantee if one of them were planning for a fight, she would carefully have taken her own weave out so that bitch didn’t have an opportunity to pull it out (do you have any idea how much hair costs?). What I am talking about is planning ahead, and doing it with class!
Coffy would (and did) tease her natural hair up into a big-ass afro. Then she would (and did) take a package of razor blades and carefully insert them carefully into its dark recesses.
Follow these simple steps and the one that grabs your hair is going to get a surprise, and possibly a severed finger.
For white girls, dirty hair teases up better (tips from a drag queen I know) so don’t wash your hair for a few days and use a lot of product. Use the current Miss Texas as your guide, her hair will always be the right size and shape for hiding any number of objects.
Once you have your hair set, you work your way down. You take out the hoops in your ears, and if your teeth are removable you take those out too. Leave nothing to chance.
Next you coat your face in Vaseline so that if that if she does land a punch, it slides right off, drawing her closer to you so you can cut her more easily with the knife you have in your bra.
Additionally, the fight should ALWAYS take place inside a building of some sort. Fighting inside gives you several advantages. First you are less likely to end up in jail than if you do it in front of a day care liquor store; but the main reason is you have access to items of furniture that can also be used as weapons. These weapons in turn provide you with appropriate segue ways to witty comments.
For instance, shrieking “Fuck You Ho” at someone who just said something equally nasty to you, and/or pulled out your recently purchased hair is SO not classy.
Inside a bar, when your opponent says “I got a black belt in Karate and I’m gonna hurt you bitch”, you have the opportunity to take a page from Foxy Brown and crack her over the head with a stool, knock her unconscious and then calmly reply “Well I got my black belt in bar stools bitch”.
I say we should give up trying to “Stop the Violence” in Chicago. It is pretty much never going to happen.
Today, I am starting a new campaign called “Keep the Violence Classy”.
I have taken the first step by ordering the Pam Grier Collection and all 300 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I will turn into a seminar on how to fight with style.
When I write my U.S. Federal Grant Proposal (researchers, operating on a $2.6 million
NIH grant, are now "training" prostitutes to drink alcohol
responsibly, to reduce the women's willingness to engage in risky
sex. However, the training is taking place in Quangxi province, China. I think mine is an equally important endeavor) I will list this as the research phase.
I will be soliciting a volunteer corps soon to take the message to the streets.
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